Sex scandal to be fully investigated vs Let’s not be too hasty


Sexual misconduct in the workplace will not be tolerated and will be fully investigated

By a Sri Lanka Cricket spokesperson

SLC takes the allegations of its employees engaging in sexual acts on its premises very seriously. We are already in the process of putting together several committees and sub committees to support said committees to arrive at the “root” of the issue. The disciplinary committee will then punish all those who they deem to have been bad.

We would first like to thank the security guard, who with his timely and diligent work, brought this to our attention. Although we are yet to secure the number of backups he has made of all the photos he had taken of the couple in question, in the act he described as bliss for his eyes, we expect this to be completed in the coming days. The man, a forty year old virgin from Piliyandala, had been mesmerised by the couple upon stumbling onto them. The board has offered to pay for his counselling and also his sister’s daughter’s university education, in the hopes the man will find some comfort in this traumatic time.

Vaginal intercourse, fellatio, commonly known as blow jobs, or even hand jobs, particularly in a work environment, is no laughing matter. It reeks of a deliberate misuse of office property, not to mention the thousands of rupees of damages caused to the certain parts of the carpeting in our offices. Now, more than ever, our message is clear, if you wish to engage in vile acts of depravity please do so on your own property or at least use the 4th floor as access to that level is passcode restricted.

You would hope, that after a President of the United States was impeached due to engaging in lewd acts in the workplace, that people would realise that no one is safe. Along with the advancement of CCTV technology and the prying eyes of night-shift security guards prowling the office premises, it would be prudent to assume that if you get your pants below the acceptable level mentioned in your office policy, you will get caught out. Yet people continue to try and defy the odds and unsurprisingly have failed once again. Our investigation will take as much time as needed.There will be no premature conclusions made, no stone left unturned and once we know what our position is we will thrust forward into swift action. Be warned


Let’s not be too hasty

Also, by a (the same) Sri Lanka Cricket spokesperson, a few days later…

SLC isn’t some sort of gossip mongering institution, we are a respectable organisation on the cutting edge of sports management in a country. Everyone is entitled to making a mistake or two. Ok, yes, it went on for over five months. But once you get into bad habits its hard to break out of them. Just ask Tiger Woods. Ok, maybe that’s not the most appropriate comparison, but you get the point.

What is sex really but an act of nature between two passionate beings. Are we to really probe and conduct an inquisition into the private affairs of two people, who from all accounts, are two lovely people. I think we attach too much importance to sex these days anyway. I don’t think the people in question wanted to cause any trouble at all. I think it’s just a case of them getting caught up in the moment. It was the poet Robert Kelly, who captured this side of human nature best, when he wrote “My mind’s telling me no, But my body, my body’s telling me yes”.

Profound words I’m sure you will agree.

In all fairness, all this has come up at a very bad time for the cricket board. We are quite busy with a lot of other things just at the moment. The board also feels that it must protect the interest of the girl in question. What about her reputation? Her future? We must not act so callously. It’s increasingly difficult to find good men in Colombo. What if this was your daughter hmm?

Some people have accused the board of bottlenecking the investigation because some board members have also been involved with the same girl in question. Absurd. Where would I, I mean they, have even had the time. As I stated before, the board has been getting busy, been busy, the board has BEEN busy..

No further questions please. Oh, this was just a statement. Right, carry on.

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