Recently elected President Jayasuriya of the Democtratic Republique of Sri Lanka yesterday announced sweeping changes across the board in what he calls the Mandatory Power Play – Part 1

President Jayasuriya touched on several key areas of Change

-All future government investments require a proof of ROI inside 3 months. Any projects that take longer will be scrapped.

Jaysuriya issued a statement saying “For any nation to become a great one you need to start looking at short term wins. Once we get our eye in we can settle down the economy and we can then start thinking about long term plans or innings if you will. Otherwise the public just get bored”


-In a move many had predicted, the new president increased the mandatory retirement age to 150 from 65, with an option to come back into the workforce if the employee still felt like he could play a role.

Government and Parliment.
-The current parliment is to shut down with immediate effect. All future govermental meetings will be held at the Presidents residence around a very large round table. President Jayasuriya felt that inorder to drive the nation in a new direction one needed to be innovative and clever and slightly unorthodox and to break away from conventional democratic practice.

This move has been hailed across the world as a brainchild and the US senate is already thinking of relocating to the Rose Bowl.

-City speed limits were increased to a 110kpmh from the usual 20-30kmph ambiguity. Drivers who consistently drive below the speed limit are to be heavily fined by the Police. Car owners who take calculated risks that do not endanger the general public will be allowed lee way under the new laws.

Employment and Trade
-In a decision that angered most critics, President Jayasuriya ordered that employees who are only skilled in one field be immediately sacked. In its place, Jayasuriya encouraged the new generation to specialise in one area but to also have an allround ability so that they can be relied upon when the company needed them.

-He also encouraged the workforce to look at a move to India as a future prospect. The president felt that there were lucrative business deals to be engaged in across the palk straits and that this will eventually benifit the country as a whole.

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The Kardashians got nothing on this family.

Sanath Uncle – Your favourite uncle. He’s life of the party when he arrives and everyone flocks around him to hear his fantastic tales. Always sporting the biggest smile you’ve ever seen. Gets along with the grown ups and kids alike. His fashion sense is unique to him and usually wears mismatched ties with suspender pants. Built a massively successful business from the ground up. Now in his 80s, many relatives are waiting to see who he will leave the business to. Lives for Weddings and Baila music – where you are often embarrassed when he breaks out those ancient Baila moves.

Tharanga Malli- Son of Sanath Uncle. Growing up you played with him every time the family met up. During his formative years he was a brilliant student. Straight A’s all the way. The whole family thought he would take over his dads business till he got into some trouble. Lately he’s been a bit moody and struggles in Uni. Some think he had his dad had a fall out over a girl he did not approve.

Mr. Mahela – Born and bred in Colombo. Went to a private school.  People find him unapproachable at times. No body thought he would do well but everyone knows he’d had success because he drives a Porche and has a pretty wife. You never spoke to him as a kid because he always seemed so serious and never smiled a lot. Usually reserved and quiet Mr. Mahela shies away from attention and never joins family trips because he hates leaving Colombo.

Samaraweera Ayia- Affectionately called the ‘entrepreneur’ by the rest of the family. Having grown up in the outskirts of Colombo he opened a bakery which doubled as a cafe at the back. After some moderate success he converted the whole thing to just a cafe. Business was slow but he saved up and relaunched it as a fast food joint. Profits tripled and the rest is history. He recently went abroad to expand his business and earned his other nickname – “the uncle who got mugged”.

Mr.Sangakkara – People suspect his family are the last descendants of the Royal family in Kandy. Grew up in a huge mansion and moved abroad after Kindergarden. You never see him apart from family gatherings. Relatives avoid talking to him because they can’t understand his accent. Even when he talks in Sinhalese. Smokes a pipe and wears a tweed coat with a creveat and top hat almost all the time. Recently bought a majority share of Mr. Mahela’s business and is thinking of moving the Business to India.

Dilshan Ayia-Grew up in a tough neighbourhood. Didn’t have a lot of money but worked extremely hard. One day he won the lottery and bought a franchise from Sanath Uncle. Now he comes to weddings in designer suits and bling to match. There are rumours of him appearing in a movie soon. Some relatives secretly think he is too flashy and shows off too much, but are afraid to get on his bad side because they know he is on the lookout for a business partner.

Mathews – Spent his teens abroad where he got into Xtreme sports. Having recently moved back home he finds it a little hard to fit in at family gatherings. Mr.Sangakkara has taken him under his wing and they are often seen together around the city. The young girls go crazy when he talks with his rough accent. Mothers are uneasy around him because they think he is a bad boy.

Ajantha Malli –Considered an academic genius – he was the youngest in the family to attend Uni and promptly aced the first year. Then he got in with the wrong sort and has struggled since. The whole family thinks he could win a Nobel prize if he puts his mind to it. Having lived most his life outside the capital he is quite shy and is always seen with his mother at family functions.

Murali Uncle – Having grown up in the hill country, he never did things the normal way. Not many in the family know that during his childhood Uncle Murali was a wild child. Always got into trouble with the authorities. His dad sent him abroad to boarding school but it didn’t matter. After getting through those rough years, he dedicated his life to charity work and helping others. His nonprofit organisation  grew steadily and after a few years it ended up being a remarkable success story. Has a soft spot for Ajantha malli and has promised him a job at his company when he graduates.

Nuwan Malli – usually hangs out with Ajantha Malli. Doesn’t drink or smoke. The young girls think he has a lovely smile. Mothers adore him. Bit of a mama’s boy, Just got his drivers license and is proud of it. Very shy and smiles with everyone.

Malinga- Dropped out of school in his teens and moved down the coast to become a Surfer. Seems to have a permanent tan. Recently changed his name to just ‘Malinga’. When the family gets together he usually ends up behind the bar mixing funky cocktails. Attends weddings with a half buttoned Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses. A ladies man, the only thing Malinga enjoys more than the lassies is getting the crowd going to a Fugees song on the dance floor.

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When your country takes part in a major world event that have the eyes of the world, and we mean the entire world, such as the uber cool ICC Champions trophy, you cannot help but get sucked in to believing they will do well.

Even though there are plenty of signs to the contrary and know you will end up looking like a fucktard to your self, let alone others.

Sri Lanka are ranked 7 or 8th in the ICC rankings. I don’t know exactly because no one really cares unless you are in the top 3.

There is a reason for that. Actually there are plenty of them.  The problem with Sri Lanka is that when they are good, they are really good.

But when they are bad they are as entertaining as a Britney Spears song.

The results over the last two years reflect this to a tee. 27 wins to 25 losses. Good one day, shithouse the next.

Over the last year or so the Sri Lankan top order all have averages below 35, apart from Dilshan who just happens to be in the form of his new life with 49.

And without Sangakkara’s support it really would have been a one man effort.

The general demise of our own Splendid Mendis as a potent threat and his relative shitting himself without Murali has cast small shadow of doubt, even in our minds,  about whether he can lead the attack in his stead.

While most were surprised that Sri Lanka were knocked out of the Champions trophy, for anyone who have followed them over the last two years it was a typical performance.

A rampaging backed up by engaging in the worst possible act in world cricket- losing to England in an ODI.

In 25 games or so, Sri Lanka have only managed to get past 250 on 9 occasions. They simply do not bad consistently well enough to win matches regularly.

That is why they are ranked some where no one cares about, Have no batsmen in the top 10 ODI rankings, keep losing at home and have been sent home packing from SA.

Sangakkara might think Sri Lanka’s fielding is appalling, but their batting is not much better.

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The Sri Lankan top 4 are guns. Sanath and Dilshan take to 2020 cricket like a baby to a tit. Mahela and Sangakkara are smart enough to adjust their game and play however they please. Its a good mixture of power hitting and technically skilled batsmenship.

At no5 we have Calamity ‘Jehan’. Not ideal but he seems to be able to swing those lengthy arms to good affect when needed.

Then the problems begin. Two matches in and SLs top order have delivered. And delivered big. Numbers 6-8 weren’t called in. But somewhere down the line in this world cup they will be. What happens then is anyone’s guess.

Matthews is inexperienced and neither he nor Chamara silva are the hitters we need in these positions. It is an issue that has plagued SL for as long as I can remember.

SL hasn’t had a hitter of any nauce since the days Sanath used to bat down the order. That was like in the 80s or something.

Vass was tried but was never consisted.

Arnold was never a Symonds or an Oram.

Maharoof is the only dude who is close to a power hitter who can come down the order and take an attack apart. But he hasn’t gotten a game. Which we think is just weird.

Then there is Thilan Thushara, who is basically a left handed Maharoof.

Indika de Seram was picked on his domestic form. He hasn’t played either.

Where are the  Dasamaha Yodayo(Local giants in SL folklore) when you need em.

Either these new Sri Lankan mothers have stopped feeding their sons ‘kola-kanda’ (a local vege soup which tastes like feet) and switched to Kellogs or the Sri Lankan men can’t produce quality sperm to deliver us a Flintoff sized Sri lankan.

Hell even a Yousuf Pathan would do. And how.

Whatever way you look at it, this will be found out sooner rather than later.And it would serve SL right if its in a super8 game. At least then Kumar and co will realise this.

Although I hope against it.

anjelo mathews dilshan flyslip indika de seram jayasuriya jehan mubarak maharoof russel arnold thilan thushara vass

Sanath Jayasuriya, has to come into a bit of red matter, from Star Trek, use it to cause  a space time continuum anomaly, which will in turn cause a black hole, which he must travel through, leading him back in time, to meet his 1996-1999 swashbuckling self and swap places.

Dilshan needs to realise he is not Sri Lankas Sehwag. There are deliveries, in the course of a cricket match, that cannot be hit to the boundary. Besides, Dilshanalogy just doesn’t sound right.

‘Calamity’ Jehan, needs to not bat at no3. In fact , it would would be to the benefit of everyone concerened, if he does not bat at all.

Mahela Jayawardene, needs to get over this nonsense of the forward defensive being his favorite shot.

King Kumar, needs to express himself a bit better with the bat, rather than spending all his time expressing his views on others and creating comfort zones from which he can then get out of.

Chamara Silva, needs to get back to cricketing wilderness, he seems more comfortable there than out in the middle.

Farveez ‘the roof’ Maharoof, needs to change his run up the one Ballalji has, cuz that shit is funny as hell.

Splendid Mendis, needs to reset his memory chip, which was embedded in the back of his head after removing shrapnel from Lahore, to the days when he made Dravid and co look like me batting right handed, or even left handed for that matter.

Murali should do fine, as long as no match is in a 15 mile radius from Oxford.

Lasith Malinga, needs to reinvent himself, so that he learns to bowl deliveries other than yorkers. I mean who wants to see Yorker after Yorker anyway. Really.


Nuwan ‘smiley face’ Kulesekara, needs to be injected with whatever the hell they injected Logan with before he became Wolverine and caused him to be so pissed off all the time.  For fucks sake, act like a fast bowler for once. Stare, drop kick some stumps, roar like a beast after every ball. Whatever, just get it done.

ajantha mendis chamara silva dilshan jayasuriya jehan mubarak lasith malinga maharoof mahela jayawardane murali nuwan kulesekara sangakkara